The Intimacy of Prayer

I recently wrote an October article for TheBlackChurchSource.com entitled Let Us Pray: Christian Intimacy. Of course moments after I finished I checked my email and had received an article from YourTango.com “Want To Prevent Cheating? Try Prayer”. Immediately my interest was piqued. In the article it talks about two major studies that support the link between prayer and the health of a relationship. 

The first study mentioned was conducted by researchers at Florida State University. The researchers determined that couples that pray for their spouse were less likely to fantasize about other being with other people. The second study was conducted by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. This group found that couples that read the Bible and pray together enjoy stronger “marital bonds” and consider prayer to be “the great reconciler”. 

These two studies run hand in hand with another study that I have referred to in past posts, that states that couples that pray for each other divorce at a rate of less than 1%. I like looking at it from the other perspective, a couple that prays together has a greater than 99% chance of staying together. 

I am thrilled that these studies have come out. But they are not new news...In the biblical marriage of Isaac and Rebekah we see the truths of the power of prayer to intimately connect couples. 

Present Yourself...

Isaac took time to push aside his personal agenda and pray to God for Rebekah, who was unable to have children at the time (Genesis 25:21). His prayer is best understood as Isaac presenting himself before the Lord, for Rebekah’s sake. It is a picture of Isaac physically showing up in front of God - out of concern for Rebekah. His concern was a depth of commitment that exceeded hasty words and set aside time to go to God.

In our modern marriages, we are bombarded with so many responsibilities inside and outside of the home that grab our attention - daily. However, the best gift we can give to our mate is our committed time presenting ourselves to God “on behalf of” our spouse. It is a gift of assurance to him or to her that “We are in this together!”. It is a gift of selflessness and surrender that is given throughout the day, with possible re-gifting implications at night - wink, smile, LOL.  

Committing to Pray for Your Spouse 

In Genesis 25:20, Isaac was 40 years old when he married Rebekah. When Rebekah conceived in v. 26, Isaac was 60 years old. So presumably Isaac’s prayed on behalf of his wife for a span of 20 years.  He just kept showing up before God day after day, for his wife - without seeing any results but presenting himself to God faithfully. It is a win-win for Isaac. He has spent time in the awesome presence of God, drawn closer to God and won the heart of his wife at the same time. 

Praying to God for Your Husband or Wife  

• Tonight, ask your spouse to give you their top three personal goals for the next three months. 
• Commit to going to God on behalf of your spouse for these goals. 
• Pray that God will intimately connect you and your spouse with Him.

Power of Perspective in Your Marriage (Book Excerpt)

It has been a while since I have posted a new blog. Just wanted to post an excerpt from the book - Husbands, Wives, God, here is the intro. from Chapter 2 Jacob and Leah: From Pain to Praise. What do you think - How do our perspectives effect our marriages/relationships?

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A few years ago I had an unusual day where on the same afternoon I visited two different men, both facing their last few days. The conversations on that day with these two men provided good insight into how perspectives affect the quality of a marriage. In the context of marriage, a “perspective” is the way that a husband and wife evaluate^[1] both the way they relate to each other and the quality of their marriage.

With both of these men staring into the bleak reality of their future, they openly reflected on how they had evaluated and related to their respective spouses during the years of their marriage. It seems that facing the inevitably of death brings about a clearer perspective on life and marriage, a vantage point that may have been missing in better times. I know, I know—death or the loss of a spouse is not something we like to think about. It is not my favorite topic either, especially when I think about life without my wife. But as 1 Thessalonians 4:13 reminds us regarding the death of a Christian, we have a reason to hope since our loved one is going to heaven to be with the Lord Jesus Christ. Additionally, by looking from the end of marriage backward, a couple gains insight on how to live from where they are forward.

Unhealthy Perspective, Unhealthy Marriage

As I sat with the first man, he wept openly and bitterly as he reflected on how he had treated his wife during the course of their marriage. He attributed their years of financial and emotional strain, as well as the burdens that he was leaving his wife to deal with after his death, to his stubbornness and unwillingness to listen to her during their marriage. His perspective of his wife’s role in their marriage had been that her input was worthless or subordinate to his. This husband’s evaluation of his wife led him to dominate his wife and to control every aspect of their relationship. His exalted appraisal of himself and low opinion of his spouse resulted in an unhealthy perspective. This unhealthy perspective kept him unwilling to accept his wife’s input; instead, he disregarded her contributions to making key decisions and eventually relegated her to the sidelines of their marriage. In his final days, with time to lie in bed and reflect on their life together, he realized that his ill-founded perspectives of his role as a husband and his wife’s worth had strangled the joy from their marriage.

Healthy Perspective, Healthy Marriage

Conversely, the second man was facing the same fate as the first, yet as I visited with him, he articulated a very different attitude about the inevitability of his death. As soon as I walked into the room, it was apparent that this man and his marriage had been shaped by a different assessment (perspective) of his life and marriage. This couple was singing gospel songs and hymns, clapping and laughing during those last weeks. Rejoicing over and being thankful for the good years they had shared together, they faced this most difficult time with a sense of genuine joy that enabled them to endure the breaking of their hearts. Sure, there was fear and bouts of uncertainty, but their evaluation (perspective) of the situation was that they had enjoyed a good life together and for that they were thankful to God. The husband shared with me that his approach to marriage was to always accept his wife as a gift from God, even when he did not agree with her viewpoint. He was clearly the head of their home, but his wife was highly valued, appreciated, and respected. As a result, he and his wife had built a love and friendship that grew even until his last day.

These two men held very different perspectives on their marriages. One saw marriage as something to control and that had to fit into his way of thinking. The other saw marriage as a joint venture in which both had input and which was something to enrich the relationship. He often laid aside his point of view to listen to his wife and receive her contribution. The polar opposite paths these two marriages traveled illustrates how perspectives mitigate the overall quality of a marriage. They can strangle the love out of a marriage, or they can usher love into a marriage. In spite of the circumstances that arise during the course of a marriage, the way in which a husband and wife choose to evaluate each other determines the path that the relationship will travel.

If you could fast forward to the end of your marriage, which of the two marriages above would you wish to be able to identify with? Would it be the one strangled by rigid perspectives or the one allowed to thrive by seeing the spouse as an equal? Okay, the answer may be too obvious: few if any of us would willingly choose to be in a bad marriage and suffer the misery of regret. Yet, as the ever increasing divorce rate evidences, even with the deep desire to get the most out of their relationships, many couples end up lamenting their lives together. It is a lament that is often the result of the inability to understand and effectively communicate their perspectives about life, marriage, and love, throughout the marriage. How they choose to manage their perspectives and allow them to shape their marriage is the choice between having a lifetime of marital partnership or a lifetime of marital misery. I am not suggesting that we ignore our feelings, opinions, or views in order to experience a peaceful marriage but rather, that we don’t allow hardened perspectives to diminish the quality of our marriage.

As we now take the next step toward building a better marriage through building a better relationship with God, I would like to introduce you to a marriage that emphasizes the benefit of developing godly perspectives despite the conditions of the marriage. In this marriage, you can just about hear them asking a question that tough circumstances sometimes push couples to the point of asking: “Where is God in the middle of our marriage?” Yet despite the inordinate strain on their marriage, God will develop in them a perspective that enables this couple to Praise God. This perspective of praise is different than a shout of joy. Rather, it is a praise that requires a change of perspective—a change of scenery, if you will. It is the marriage of Jacob and Leah. Through this marriage of old, we will explore the development of a godly perspective in Leah.

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^[1] Webster’s II New Riverside Dictionary (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1996) defines “evaluate” as (1) to determine the value of; (2) to examine carefully, appraise.

Marital Incite

The other day I was reading about the biblical couple of Ahab and Jezebel. I have read about them many times before but I only ever saw them in a negative light. They just never showed up on my list of  “role models” for building a solid marriage. After all he was the wicked King of Israel and she - to this day, is the icon of a treacherous or scheming woman. Yet this dynamic duo, like everything in the Bible, is extremely valuable to us today. Just look at the characterization of how Jezebel “rubbed off” on her husband in I Kings 21: 25-26:

Surely there was no one like Ahab who sold himself to do evil in the sight of the Lord, because Jezebel his wife incited him. He acted very abominably in following idols, according to all the Amorites had done, whom the Lord cast out before the sons of Israel (emphasis added).

Hmm...he “sold himself to do evil”, as a direct result of his wife. Specifically, he followed idols and lost sight of his relationship with God because of what Jezebel incited in him. By definition what Jezebel did was to stir up or to cause a riot inside of Ahab. Jezebel’s actions stirred up and encouraged her husband to take actions inconsistent

 with his God and then take his eyes off of God. 

While I am pretty sure, or at least hopeful that I don’t stir up any riots in my wife (LOL), it does serve as a reminder just how husbands and wives become connected to and influence each other. I remember when I was a kid my dad would take me to Joseph’s Men’s Clothiers in Reading, Pa. and inevitably there would be some helpless man in there asking his wife, “Honey does this tie go with this shirt”. My dad and I would then look at each other and snicker as they headed to the counter with a striped shirt and non-matching striped tie. And I vowed way back then that when I got married, my wife would not have any influence on how I dress. But the reality is that just like Jezebel rubbed off on Ahab, the longer my wife and I are married the more her personality (and every now & then, her sense of style) rubs off on me. 

I guess to some degree it is inevitable that husbands and wives have such an influence on each other. But the more I think about it, if Jezbel’s wickedness could cause an evil riot in Ahab, then would not the opposite also be true? That my actions can encourage my wife to become closer to God.  While we are all responsible for our own actions before God, it definitely is a thought that deserves our attention. Instead of inciting the negative, I want to incite a love riot through commitment and encouragement that stimulates intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual insight into the heart of God. 

How about in your marriage? What do you incite in your spouse? Are you happy with the parts of you that rub off on your spouse? 

Of course the opposite is probably more valuable to wrestle with. What do you allow your spouse to incite in you? Do you allow that “thing” he or she does that gets on your nerves, to move you to “sell yourself to evil”?

Exercise the Power to Choose in Your Marriage

Job 2:9 Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!"

2010! We made it to another year. As the new year begins I would like to encourage you with a  powerful perspective that comes out of the marriage of Job and his wife in the Bible. In a manner of a few hours Job and his wife lose absolutely everything they own - houses, land, 401k, job, life savings, honor, dignity, and their ten children - absolutely everything. Yet in their loss they share with us a powerful marriage principle - the power of a CHOICE. 

At the absolute lowest point of their marriage when this couple has lost everything most people tie to there sanity and self-worth, that Job’s wife tells Job to curse God and die. While clearly not the model of a supportive spouse we would draw to in a time of crisis, it is a clear indication of her CHOICE to turn from God.

Mrs. Job’s CHOICE coupled with the high divorce rate in our modern marriages among those both inside and outside of the Christian faith brings us face to face with a reality that every marriage is susceptible to. That reality is that beyond religious cliches there are tough circumstances that can lead either one or both spouses to say, “I have had enough”.  

While Job’s wife models how many respond to the loss of every semblance of balance in a marriage, Job takes the road less travelled by CHOOSING to exercise an unshakable trust in God as he said, ’Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.’ Through all this, Job did not sin nor did he blame God.” 

Ultimately, God rewards Job’s CHOICE by doubling and restoring all he lost - including ten more children born to Job and his wife. In marriage, even when one spouse gives up on God and the marriage - CHOOSE GOD. In the trials that face your marriage in 2010 you can choose to be like Mrs. Job and turn from God finding yourself separated from God and your spouse or CHOOSE Job’s hope of restoration through your faith in God. 

I pray that in your marriage you exercise your right to choose. Happy New Year!

New Christian Marriage Blog to Introduce the Marriages of the Bible to Modern Marriages

Welcome to the Husbands, Wives, God blog!! The goal of this blog, hosted by Rev. Edward Lee, is to engage, interact and introduce Husbands and Wives to the marriages of the Bible. For about three years now I have been sharing marriages of the Bible with couples both inside and outside of the church and Christian faith.

Thus far I have captured 7 of these marriages in my book, Husbands, Wives, God (find more information or purchase the book at edwardclee.com) and I am currently working on a devotional that contains all 52 marriages of the Bible that I have identified. It has amazed me how powerful and relevant the truths and principles contained in these marriages are. So let me start with this first question.

What is your favorite marriage of the Bible?