It has been a while since I have posted a new blog. Just wanted to post an excerpt from the book - Husbands, Wives, God, here is the intro. from Chapter 2 Jacob and Leah: From Pain to Praise. What do you think - How do our perspectives effect our marriages/relationships?
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With both of these men staring into the bleak reality of their future, they openly reflected on how they had evaluated and related to their respective spouses during the years of their marriage. It seems that facing the inevitably of death brings about a clearer perspective on life and marriage, a vantage point that may have been missing in better times. I know, I know—death or the loss of a spouse is not something we like to think about. It is not my favorite topic either, especially when I think about life without my wife. But as 1 Thessalonians 4:13 reminds us regarding the death of a Christian, we have a reason to hope since our loved one is going to heaven to be with the Lord Jesus Christ. Additionally, by looking from the end of marriage backward, a couple gains insight on how to live from where they are forward.
Unhealthy Perspective, Unhealthy Marriage
As I sat with the first man, he wept openly and bitterly as he reflected on how he had treated his wife during the course of their marriage. He attributed their years of financial and emotional strain, as well as the burdens that he was leaving his wife to deal with after his death, to his stubbornness and unwillingness to listen to her during their marriage. His perspective of his wife’s role in their marriage had been that her input was worthless or subordinate to his. This husband’s evaluation of his wife led him to dominate his wife and to control every aspect of their relationship. His exalted appraisal of himself and low opinion of his spouse resulted in an unhealthy perspective. This unhealthy perspective kept him unwilling to accept his wife’s input; instead, he disregarded her contributions to making key decisions and eventually relegated her to the sidelines of their marriage. In his final days, with time to lie in bed and reflect on their life together, he realized that his ill-founded perspectives of his role as a husband and his wife’s worth had strangled the joy from their marriage.
Healthy Perspective, Healthy Marriage
Conversely, the second man was facing the same fate as the first, yet as I visited with him, he articulated a very different attitude about the inevitability of his death. As soon as I walked into the room, it was apparent that this man and his marriage had been shaped by a different assessment (perspective) of his life and marriage. This couple was singing gospel songs and hymns, clapping and laughing during those last weeks. Rejoicing over and being thankful for the good years they had shared together, they faced this most difficult time with a sense of genuine joy that enabled them to endure the breaking of their hearts. Sure, there was fear and bouts of uncertainty, but their evaluation (perspective) of the situation was that they had enjoyed a good life together and for that they were thankful to God. The husband shared with me that his approach to marriage was to always accept his wife as a gift from God, even when he did not agree with her viewpoint. He was clearly the head of their home, but his wife was highly valued, appreciated, and respected. As a result, he and his wife had built a love and friendship that grew even until his last day.
These two men held very different perspectives on their marriages. One saw marriage as something to control and that had to fit into his way of thinking. The other saw marriage as a joint venture in which both had input and which was something to enrich the relationship. He often laid aside his point of view to listen to his wife and receive her contribution. The polar opposite paths these two marriages traveled illustrates how perspectives mitigate the overall quality of a marriage. They can strangle the love out of a marriage, or they can usher love into a marriage. In spite of the circumstances that arise during the course of a marriage, the way in which a husband and wife choose to evaluate each other determines the path that the relationship will travel.
If you could fast forward to the end of your marriage, which of the two marriages above would you wish to be able to identify with? Would it be the one strangled by rigid perspectives or the one allowed to thrive by seeing the spouse as an equal? Okay, the answer may be too obvious: few if any of us would willingly choose to be in a bad marriage and suffer the misery of regret. Yet, as the ever increasing divorce rate evidences, even with the deep desire to get the most out of their relationships, many couples end up lamenting their lives together. It is a lament that is often the result of the inability to understand and effectively communicate their perspectives about life, marriage, and love, throughout the marriage. How they choose to manage their perspectives and allow them to shape their marriage is the choice between having a lifetime of marital partnership or a lifetime of marital misery. I am not suggesting that we ignore our feelings, opinions, or views in order to experience a peaceful marriage but rather, that we don’t allow hardened perspectives to diminish the quality of our marriage.
As we now take the next step toward building a better marriage through building a better relationship with God, I would like to introduce you to a marriage that emphasizes the benefit of developing godly perspectives despite the conditions of the marriage. In this marriage, you can just about hear them asking a question that tough circumstances sometimes push couples to the point of asking: “Where is God in the middle of our marriage?” Yet despite the inordinate strain on their marriage, God will develop in them a perspective that enables this couple to Praise God. This perspective of praise is different than a shout of joy. Rather, it is a praise that requires a change of perspective—a change of scenery, if you will. It is the marriage of Jacob and Leah. Through this marriage of old, we will explore the development of a godly perspective in Leah.
